Cai Na Speaks

2005-12-30T15:08:00.000+08:00

I swear, that from today onwards I will take everyone who says my pai zi is not correct very very seriously.

*feels terribly guilty for screwing up bits of chun which would have otherwise sounded perfect without my lousy pai zi problems.*

I remember how I got pissed with my seniors when they told me I was too slow/fast. I remember how I had insisted that I was right. I remember how I truely felt I was right, because being one's always blind (or deaf in this case) to her own mistakes. People in CO next year, if I lose hold of my pai zi and refuse to admit it please do not hesitate to slap me hard. Alternatively, play recording of ny arts fest CHUN in my ears over and over again to remind me of my grave mistakes. Having listened to it twice in a row, my humbleness for NYCO left me completely and I can proudly claim that NYCO sounded professional. However, I cringed at each and every of my glaringly apparent mistakes. Before listening to the recording I thought it was the intonation that's probably going to ruin the song. To my relief, intonation was good. VERY GOOD. I didn't expect it to be so good at all. To my horrors, my pai zi was to blame for marring the piece.

I deserve some scoldings...

I am hardly making any progress with xun huan huan qi, there's still quite a significant gap between one breathe and the next. The fact that I had not been practising for a week due to my travelling around reduced my other skills to pulp too. So much for practising "bounciness" of fingers during the holidays. 7 days of negligence and it's down the drain.

The 7 days of hiatus, however, made me realise that hey, without practising dizi, surprise surprise, I didn't die! Ever since I started playing dizi in CO practising dizi has become an integral part of my life, something as essential to my well being as meals and rest, something staple in my routine. During that 7 days, I didn't miss dizi a single bit. Instead, I felt so much lighter without having to calculate how much time I can afford to spend outdoors or with family so as to not affect my practices. While that may sound heartless, it's exactly how I felt. I was glad I gave myself a break, finally.

Not that dizi had been a burden all along. In fact, far from it. I enjoyed practising... it's the restrictions it created for me that made me weary of it. Practising every day means coming back early every night from wherever I was having my activities to meet my dizi. Practising every day means missing precious family time after dinner and being alone with chang yins and lian xi qus, occassionally hearing family members calling for me to join them. Practising every day during holidays, especially, means rushing home from my grandmother's house and spending less time with her. It also means complains from my parents and neighbours, who would politely knock on my door and try to hide their annoyance while they say "what beautiful music! but we need to rest already."

Oh yes. Practising every day means being called a "lianing freak".

Play for enjoyment, play for pleasure...

Yes I know all of that. How's that going to happen without accquiring a certain level of skills? How's accquiring skills possible without practising? How's practising going to be effective without doing it every day?

...

I've had my break. Now it's time to work (and play) again.

2005-12-29T23:16:00.000+08:00

my lj: http://www.livejournal.com/users/cn_89/

2005-11-29T15:59:00.000+08:00

It's raining again, and I'm at home alone. Such circumstances makes it ideal for missing people.

Anyway I tidied my room yesterday! It's quite a feat if you've seen the state my room was in before I did anything to it. My revision stuff for end-of-year exams were stacked on my bed because the shelf's too occupied with my lower sec and primary school (!!!) stuff, things that were useless since quite long ago but stayed on the shelf because I was reluctant to move them elsewhere. So yesterday when I was just as stuck at home as I am today and found no better ways to while my time away, I decided to do something about it.

Anyone who had tried tidying up a very messy room must have felt the same way. Once I've decided to devote the whole afternoon to clearing the rubbish in my room to make place for more useful stuff, I looked around and I was caught in the dilemma of where to start. The tabletop piled with books and papers and scores and other random things like my tuner? My bed which has one of its sides covered by sec4 revision notes and TYSes? The rundown shelf (no longer intact! I need a new one.) that bears the weight of my primary school assessment books? (Ok it's starting to sound ridiculous) I wished I could turn my room upside down and shake it so that the rubbish, even the ones hidden in obscure corners that I've forgotten about, would fall out by themselves thanks to gravity. No such convenience.

It took sheer determination and courage to START the whole process of recovering no longer useful PSLE revision papers from the shelves and putting them in what ended up as a magnificent pile of future rough paper. Then it's a struggle between emotion and reason - whether to throw away the banner my P6 class made together during sports meet 5 years ago. That is followed by miserable sights of stacks of lower sec papers that looked too bulky to go anywhere. The final blow to my initial enthusiasm in turning my room into one as orderly as a standard hotel room, or at least, an inhabitable place, was the fact that even with the rubbish finally in their respective trash bags waiting to be thrown away no longer occupying the shelves, my sec4 revision stuff still couldn't fit into it. My english file, the fattest of all, is still lying homeless on the table in the study. Issues of TIME and National geographic formed what looked like a refugee camp of old magazines, waiting anxiously to be settled but neglected by the authority (the authority has done its best).

So now my rooms looks neater. Phew.

Well, before my JC books and notes crash in, that is.

hcco again

2005-11-23T22:03:00.000+08:00

Saw Ger's entry on her first prac in HCCO. I guess why hers sounds more fun than what I've just experienced is because apparently when she just got there her seniors weren't in work experience programme but beside her in CO. We, on the other hand, are left stranded in HCCO feeling extra all the time. Jh and I spent the first half of today's prac debating whether to head home, because we were the only two dizis there.

Oh, also, when Ger went for HCCO she was accompanied by many fellow NYCO people. Before going to HCCO, Jh and I dropped by NYCO and watched their dazu. Sitting behind the row of dizi juniors, I reminisced about the times I had sitting in the same row blowing dizi with my batch of NYCO people, watching shawn jumping around her tim and listening to lin lao shi tell us stories about the songs we were playing, or even, receiving that glare from ms chek when my yinzhun goes way off.

Seeing this horde of HCICO (high school I mean) erhu guys clustering around enjoying each other's presence at HCCO reminded me of the times I had in NYCO, where all my relations are.

Anyway prac today was quite ok, except those stupid blunders that probably cost the reputation of NYCO guanyue. And I was frustrated at my xin di yin se and yin liang. Although I know that with the scotch tape over my dimo I was just supposed to keep rather quiet and be part of the background support, I was so distressed by the fact that I could hardly hear myself that I was so ready to tear that stupid tape off and start blowing qu di. Oh well, at least I didn't have to worry about uneven/wet dimo.

hcco

2005-11-21T22:10:00.000+08:00

My first unofficial day in HCCO:

1. Meeting people with different backgrounds and ways of practising is truly beneficial. After trying some zls style lian xi qus, I am more clear of what my teacher's system trains better as well as what it lacks. Qu3 Chang2 Bu3 Duan3. Oh yes, it's motivational too.

2. It's the orchestra prac with the least number of people I've ever gone to. Never in NYCO there's only so few people attending orchestra practice. BUT YET things still sound ok. It's HCCO afterall.

3. I need to train sight reading.

4. Wei lao shi is er... =D.

5. The person (whoever he is) who hollered about locking the door reminded me fondly of Uncle Jack. Uncle Jack, in his loyal singlet, had used the same gruffy tone on us to make sure we don't dwell in M401 after every practise without fail. I should pay a visit to him at where he hermits when not chasing off girls after their CCAs or mending rundown Sheng cases using his abundant collection of screws and screwdrivers.

physco!

2005-11-19T23:03:00.000+08:00

Physco is still giving me the creeps. Now I kind of know why Zeng didn't show us the whole movie during our sabbaticals, the movie's highly disturbing. Tony Perkins made Norman Bates come alive - trapped, vulnerable looking, and obviously mentally disoriented. Matricide, dual personality, series of murders due to a serious physcological disorder... too much to take for a lovely afternoon? Luckily Ratta was there to distract me from the tension. Thanks Mengy for the movie!

2005-11-14T23:37:00.000+08:00

When I was down at Jurong East library today afternoon I saw my primary school classmates mixing with my secondary school schoolmates studying math for o levels together. Jac was the bridge that connects all, and I have to admit that she's the right material for a bridge - long enough, wiry enough. (Sorry Jac it's a compliment. =P)

Meeting them brightened my day and brought me to smile. =D It's great to see them and talk to them again, and when Jac, Thomas, Weiquan and I did the "6A rocks" thing in front of my sec school schoolmates I felt something tugging my heart. =D

Yet something in the night made me depressed, all of a sudden. It takes so little for me to be happy, it takes so little to chase the happiness away from me. CALL ME FICKLE.

2005-11-14T11:59:00.000+08:00

I was just listening to NYCO concert 2004 recordings. I miss those times! Those times that seniors were still with us, Zhixuan's still getting pinched by me at the elbows, Xiwen's still telling me where I blew wrongly, Sab's still standing in front of the CO making announcements and YingYing's still chasing me for CO fund. Those times that if I didn't prac properly someone would go after me with a gu3 chui2...

After a slack year with no one point anything at my neck threatening me to "practise or else", I've been lax on myself. Now I wonder if I'm able to blow the solo in the front of Hong Mei as well as I did last year.

2005-11-12T18:34:00.000+08:00

5 days of attachment didn't morph me into a Chemist like what Mengy said, nor did it give me the faintest wish to. It was just another experience, like almost all other kinds of attachments that I've attended, except perhaps this one might come into use in future lab work. I was hoping that this attachment act as a try-out, from the quality of experience of which I would decide whether research and lab work would remain a choice of my future career. However I seem to have lost the ability to judge, lost between realms of like and dislike and unable to decide anything. Ask me how the attachment was, I would probably give you a vacant expression, a sluggish smile, and reply stupidly "I don't know".

What an un-intellectual answer to give. In fact, I've almost given up thinking about the future. I go through the same ritual of first telling myself I must come to a conclusion this time, then think, end up in a dead corner, and after unsuccessful attempts to wheel myself out of the tangle I would give up, leaving the thinking to somewhen later, when it's nearer to the future I'm trying to think about.

Actually doing everything well for the present is the best preparation one can do for the future. Some people think it's important to have a goal in mind for anything to succeed, I do not disagree to that, but I feel that if one is too preoccupied with some distant goal and focuses more on the consequences of his doings than how he does them he might end up being further from his goal then if he had just did what he was supposed to do wholeheartly. If we are constantly distracted by the image we conjure up in our minds of the future, what we wish we would become, and get erratic in the present, I don't see how we can get anything out of it ultimately.

Ripped from chen's blog: "what are the most valuable things you have learnt in the last 4 years?"

1. Mugging alone and mugging with classmates achieve different effects.

Mugging alone - In isolation one can concentrate and think rationally. Good for understanding and remembering concepts and related information, makes one clear of what he has learnt. A serious downturn that can kill one's motivation of studying though - extremely sianness that comes with prolonged mugging, espeically when one's stuck in frustration of things he can't seem to understand no matter how fast he gets his brain to spin. Also, mugging at home with luring comfy in sight eg. bed/sofa/cosy chair/bean bag can discourage one from working hard.

Mugging with classmates - Bouts of laughter elicited when a bunch of girls decide to be mean to one math question, zooming in on how extremely not up to scale the diagram given is instead of the calculations. The best way to unite a group of people is to give them a common enemy, and that's how my class became so united. Once one person gives off an audible whine about how impossible a physics question is, it would be echoed with lots of "YEAH!"s and next the classroom would be filled with complains of other questions, the original physics question being abandoned and neglected at a side. Fun, fun. =) But it's hard to focus, and more often than not attention would be diverted to the entertaining environment from tys questions/past year papers.

2. Homework deadlines are meant to be pushed back. No need to sacrifice sleep to finish homework.

I should have learnt this lesson sooner. For uncountable times I've slept late for the sake of one piece of stupid paper studded with questions just so that I could hand in the answers on time, only to realise upon reaching school the next day that half the class haven't touched that worksheet at all. No use regretting, sleeping in class cannot compensate the sleep lost the night earlier, and that means missing lessons. This works with the magnanimous Nanyang teachers, for other schools, I don't know.

3. Hard work

Nothing (well, almost) can be achieved without hard work. There are geniuses around who could understand complicated concepts with minimal effort, but they are afterall the minority. I do not see myself as part of that minority, and that means I need to work hard to get what I want. Even things I was once good at can give way if I do not pay attention to them like how I should. Just look at how my Chinese result slipped...

4. Relating to people

Always be sincere and always look out for positive attributes of people. Don't speak anything of a person unless there's something nice about him/her that you want to share. Don't gossip esp when you don't know anything about the person's affairs, even if you do, don't.

5. Do not speak unless confident.

So that you don't end up in a sticky situation in which everyone's interrogating you about ur stand AND you don't know how to answer them. Rather stay quiet and be called an idiot than to open your mouth to confirm it. =X Meanwhile, listen to what others have to say. We should fully utilise our abundance of 2 ears instead of exercise our sole mouth till the point of abusing it. I am not saying that we shouldn't involve ourselves in discussions by actively contributing our own ideas - that's fine, but uttering rubbish in attempts to argue from ignorance is... nvm.

6. Be open-minded and accepting to new things/ideas, even those that contradict your own.

It's always good to see other points of views. They have their reasons too, and the reason might be better than yours. Being too blinkered will not take you far. Oh yes, hui4 ji1 ji4 yi1 gets you nowhere as well. It doesn't hurt to take some friendly cynicism from friends, well... although it takes a while to get used to it. After a while you will be quite comfortable with people pointing out your mistakes or weaknesses, and you'll be surprised at how many of those you have (uh well if this offends anyone i shall just this is the case for me.)

2005-10-31T22:26:00.000+08:00

So much for struggling to get to the top of the crowd. After one year of slaving, today's my first day of well deserved relaxation. But just as i was contented with having watched a movie, slumped onto my sofa for episodes of the soap (ok fine this is the first time i can take in a soap, call me lacteal if you want) i've wanted to finish since more than a month ago, and blew dizi without having to keep a look out for the time, news came to me that a certain guy from a prestigious boy school around bukit timah area got full marks for his end of years essay. His teachers, realising that full mark's probably too high to be given, moderated it 1 mark down.

Now i'm sure that 1 mark makes a huge difference.

Not that i'm gonna try to pitch myself at his level and try to rival him in taking full mark pills. That would be suicide, and even more people would be telling me i don't have a life. But i cannot stop wondering why and how he can ever be so good, while my standard remains mediocre.

Some time ago i promised myself i'll do all i can to improve my english. The problem is, keeping the promise and acting according to it isn't that easy all the time.

I have piles of unread TIME magazine and National Geographic magazines on my bookself, waiting to be browsed. For the past month i have been, because of exams on the way, pretended that they weren't delivered to my house. Now that i'm free, i find excuses like i'm too tired to keep from reading them. When my dad was in singapore last week he observed that i wasn't watching news as i said i would. He went on about how i should enjoy watching news just about as much as i enjoy blowing dizi - i'm supposed to do it for leisure. But unfortunately, watching news isn't something that comes to my mind when i think of leisure activities. Dad insisted that if i keep watching it, as a chore at first, i will start to like it and find relaxation in it, just like him, who always watches news when he's free.

ok ok i will try to like watching news. but before that, let me finish stairways to heaven...

Mengy brought her new sleek Nezime to school today, but the poor Nano got mercilessly 蹂躏-ed by stressed out sec4 girls mesmerized by its charm. Get a cover for it! Lest it might get scratched.

The yellow form's bothering me. I'm finding it hard to calm down and make a 有自知之明的 choice because what's covered in KI and its benefits are too alluring.

graduation

2005-10-22T20:26:00.000+08:00

End of years results are out, and I am finding it hard to express how relieved i am. I thought I was at least going to die for half the subjects I'm taking, but thankfully nothing's seriously bad. This is, in fact, the best exam I had in nanyang. Well, if you don't count the english compre that I've flunked totally, that is.

I lost marks because:

For English - I was S-T-U-P-I-D.
For Chinese - I wrote too many cuo4 zi4.
For Math - I was careless (DUH) and after I've gotten the answer for differentiation for the minimum value of something i did not prove it.
For Chem - The question stated "explain the properties of..." and I explained. In the end it turned out I should draw conclusions from the properties, detailed explanation of the science behind it is not required.
For Bio - I did not do 5 marks worth of questions. And i thought "nutrients" do not include water.
For Physics - I did not realise that the values for calculation given in one single question are in different units and happily did calculations using them without converting.

So my results are in this order:

Math > Physics > Chem > Biology > Chinese > English

Shall announce the torturous event officially closed.

=====

I didn't feel the sense of closure that I was supposed to feel during graduation ceremony today, if that's what it's meant to evoke. Perhaps it's because there's still one more week of school before our higher chinese o levels, perhaps it's because there's still so much undone about our secondary school lives - final round of slaving together for higher chinese o levels, sabbaticals, getting back of report book, class outings and class chalets etc... Maybe it's not until next year when I'm overwhelmed with apprehension being chucked inside a totally new class full of unfamiliar people that I would start missing 403 so immensely that I would wish more than anything to travel back in time to get back to the golden days of 403. It's in human nature that we only learn to cherish the things we once had after we've lost it, or when we are on the verge of losing it.

I got to treasure the remaining one week...

So the bittersweet journey in nanyang is coming to an end in a week. I remember how humbled I felt when I first entered the somewhat castle like Nanyang (as it appeared to me then) and lost my directions on a daily basis. 4 years' time made Nanyang my second home. The clock tower looks no longer majestic as it did, but amiable and welcoming, the once intimidating science block's is now home to the sec 4 students who battled their way through piles of notes and papers together.

One more week and I would have to say goodbye to my classroom, and another two weeks later to Nanyang. I wonder how I would be feeling the moment I step out of Nanyang on 18 November with my report book filed with certificates of my academic performance, my testimonial, and my graduation certificate. Sad? Lost? Or maybe I would just relive the 4 years in Nanyang in my mind.

i love 403! Ihe sweetest class I've met. Thanks for insulating me from sore relationship problems and unhappiness... It's the best two years I've had.

2005-10-15T00:14:00.000+08:00

So exams are over. Let's see:

1. English essay was screwed.
2. Math paper one was even more screwed.
3. Chem paper was rushed through. Oh well, teachers were overly obsessed with Van Der Waals forces.
4. Bio paper was unfinished.
5. Math paper 2 was a huge relief.
6. Physics paper 1 was a flop. I was taken aback by the paper 2, finished within 50 minutes.

What's done is done. Shall face the consequences next week. For now, i shall dao3 yu2 chen2 ai2. =)

start of exams

2005-10-08T16:07:00.000+08:00

FINALLY EXAMS STARTED.

No my revision's not done yet and i am not confident over many of my subjects, but the fact that it has started and it's going to be over soon relieves me. There seemed to be so many things cluttering in my head and they're having fun amalgamating (don't i just love that word). I was just looking at atmosphere and pollution in the morning and i started writing about carboxyhaemoglobin in my CHEM notes. And when i was studying AMMONIA i scribbled down the protein synthesis process.

MY BRAIN IS IN ENTROPY!

So according to Le Chatelier's Principle the start of exams is good news for me. It's finally time for me to spill what's in my brain out to relieve that serious case of overcrowding.

But i guess before that i got to make sure my brain's really saturated, else it would be hard to obtain crystals.

I experienced what's called adrenaline rush on monday during my English exam - increased heart rate, increased rate of breathing, and high metabolism which resulted in me being extremely hungry after the exams. And i found myself so activated that it was hard to calm myself down. The effects of adrenaline sustained all the way till midnight, but today it wore off and i've become inert.

What will happen next week, when i will have to take exams on consequent days?

revision

2005-09-25T00:12:00.000+08:00

last chance for 403 to pia together? this is our last exam in nanyang... yesterday zhuo lao shi said something about our recent compo. one of my classmates wrote about us smsing each other words of encouragement when we're burning night oil. sweet right? nothing big, but it tugged at my heart.

the crazy, muggish, no life 403. can't bear to leave.

"you are 403! surely you've already read up on the xxx..."

"omg 403... you all not human arh"

"u all 403 everyday mug one lor... no life arh"

the famous, unique 403.

and the teachers! i don't think teachers over at hcjc digress so much during lessons from organic chem to structure of ip, from digestive system to slimming plans, from chang wen suo duan to university years in NTU... and i don't think they are lame enough to advise us to magnetise a frog to earn ourselves the nobel prize.

my neighbour's daughter's p6 this year. she's considering whether to join nanyang next year. i'm thankful 4 years ago i chose nanyang.

slow

2005-09-13T23:12:00.000+08:00

I am ineffective in my use of time and i am terribly slow.

WHY out of a sudden i no longer know how to revise bio? i am so sick of writing everything out and i don't feel like abusing my hand after chinese prelims, and i certainly do not want history of my "xiang4 yu2" to repeat itself. i cannot help but join helena in questioning the use of us knowing about oblongatas. i know it's not very smart for me to say this now because according to helen saying this would result in my brain hating me even further, but since my brain doesn't even like me very much now i shall not bother... damage control shall be done later, after some catharsis.

i am not overworked. i am seriously underworked (i don't think there's such a word). reaching home at only 5 today i studied only the most elementary chapters of bio - cells, DNA, diffusion and osmosis and active transport (can you believe it!), mitosis and meisos, and i was just about to spill over to microbes when i realised i still have that dumb math portfolio to redo.

"no attempt to decorate"

cannot be more gekked.

while my classmates are embracing trigo i'm reading funny things like diffusion and osmosis and doing useless stuff like redoing my math portfolio. can you find a better time waster on earth? pardon me for the angsting. someone give me a slap.

friends

2005-09-03T21:57:00.000+08:00

I got a huge shock when i saw my progress report on tuesday. It's a big disappointment actually... Written in the remarks column was things like "caina's not performing up to standard" or "she needs to be more familiar with xxx", upon seeing which my mum was trying to tell me it's okay because it's the last progress report before the final exams so teachers are being extra strict AND reminding me to put in more effort at the same time.

Then for some reasons a SOCIAL STUDIES page appeared in my progress report bearing my name. It's a report studded with AEs and the remark was something like she talks a lot in class and such behaviour is unacceptable for sec4 student.

!?

I wasn't stupid enough to panic cos i don't even take ss and i know it's a mistake, but i was very gek at the stupid mistake which made my already very ugly progress report look even uglier.

and i was quite anxious about the up coming exams which i haven't started to revise for.

then some friends talked to me. they told me not to let such little things eat me up and to try letting go, because by doing that i might actually gain much more. i was really really touched and i appreciate all that they've said to me. little as they may seem, these words resonated inside my mind and calmed me down. i wanna say a big thank you to those who talked to me and helped me get over my own emotions and encouraged me and gave me the golden words of advice. :)

X country + other stuff

2005-08-20T15:01:00.000+08:00

Goodness. I've just gone to Ng Chee Yang's site and i must say that he sings well! His ability to reach ultra high notes (much higher than the highest i can reach) is astounding! Try putting a "hertz-o-meter" (now what's the proper name of that instrument again?) close to his voice box when he's singing - guaranteed explosion of that poor lil meter because of too high a frequency detected.

Time after math test was splurged as if it's worthless. So far i have blatantly wasted 2 afternoons and nights doing absolutely nothing constructive, feeling guilty while trying to convince myself it's a deserved break. Being notified that our end of year exams are NOT going to be postponed to week 7 my feelings swayed between being relieved and anxious. Relieved because our agony is not going to be prolonged by the long trudge towards exams in term 4; anxious because the time seems too short for all revisions to be crammed inside. Without the test schedule at hand i cannot bring myself to plan my revision, and that makes me nervous. Mrs Seah is so right. We whine at everything.

Mrs Ho requested us to write down our achievements for the 4 years in Nanyang so that she would not leave out anything important when she's writing our testimonials. Looking at my list of achievements i had the feeling that i did not place my focus at the right place. All my achievements seemed to have come from CO, which is not something that is going to be exceptionally useful to me in the near future when i am probably going to stop CO when i graduate from JC. I am surprised now that i've said this, because this is what my parents had been telling me for n times seeing me invest time and effort in CO which they deemed unproportionate to the actual benefit that CO brings me, a line that i had once resented so badly. It took so long for me to realise the truth, and now there's no use regretting.

Actually i do not regret doing things for CO. What i do regret is actually i had not been doing more than what i did. When i dropped Japanese, decided not to run for council and quitted art what i had in mind was to concentrate on studies and CO so that i could secure success and high achievements in these two areas. I did not realise, though, that no matter how i zoom in and how concentrated my efforts are on a single area i will not be able to be the TOP in it.

However, if i had been involved in more activities, my development would have been much more holistic and being rounder than the other people makes one stand out! My humble list of meagre achievements does not contain any records of my leadership positions, except for the Sectional Principal of woodwind section, which is more a musical role than a leadership role. Lacking too is the element of social involvement, which i conveniently excused myself from because i needed the time to study or practise my instrument (so i told myself). Even with as good an opportunity as Youth Forum 2005 placed invitingly right in front of my eyes i shoved it away, being too blinkered on practising for SYF showcase and Nanyang Arts Fest concerts.

Regret is sad.

Maybe all along i've been too self indulged. All i care was upgrading myself instead of doing anything extra for other people. Hence my lack of social involvement and leadership.

What can i say? There's no one to blame except for myself! But then again how would i know if i am made for such things. Leadership is not something that every single person can take on, and how would i know if i am the material for that? I simply cannot imagine myself going around campaigning for things or garnering votes. Shudders.

I can almost see skeptical people smirking at my sillyness in the paragraph above and snapping "DUH you never know until you try it out. You don't even have the courage to try so there." In fact this rebuttal is even oozing out from every corner of my not-so-rationale brain. It may be the case that after pushing myself beyond my comfort zones and going through some struggle i would feel comfortable doing the things i once deemed impossible. It may, however, swing to the other extreme where i cannot adapt despite my rigorous efforts. The mess that trying out something new seem to promise is intimidating.

Knowing that i am currently quite an underachiever and i could probably do much better, I cannot give myself conveniences without feeling guilty anymore. What i need, is an answer to my question of what should i do. And the answer had better be a correct one.

Blurness - not to be tolerated

2005-08-11T19:00:00.000+08:00

[Hypothesis]

Failing because of blurness or retarded reactions/responses can be more emotionally devastating than failing because of inadequate aptitude.

[Evidence 1: Bio Test]

After realising that i've answered one 4 mark question wrongly out of sheer retardedness, i'm convinced i'm the most hopeless creature on Earth. Due to the lousy coordination of the two hemispheres of my brain, i've conveniently combined "monohybrid inheritance" and "discontinuous variation" into a more concised form which, unfortunately, makes little sense anymore. That's hardly because i don't know my facts well enough. Rather, it sheds light on how thick i can be.

[Evidence 2: Physics Test]

Test schedule given out ages ago states that physics test's gonna happen on Friday. Having noted (gratefully) that physics test would be after the National Day holidays (which gives us hibernating people during physics lessons more time to catch up), i established a mistaken link between physics test and thursday, the day when school reopens after the holidays. Blurness ensured that i held the link tight, driving myself up to the ceiling revision every single day lamenting the lack of study time, until wednesday, when i by random chances glanced at my test schedules. Thanks to that i didn't make a fool of myself in class on thurs.

Shall not complain further, since physics test was rather well prepared in that sense. However, unnecessary anxiety was caused and i wonder if blurness is forgiveable for that.

[Evidence 3: Undone Homework]

The process of packing my bag on Wednesday night unearthed homework i've failed to remember to do: Math open-ended question - supposed to be handed in on Monday, Physics worksheet 10 and 11 - which i did not bother to do because they offered no help for my physics test, and revision for Chinese revision test 2A/2B.

I had difficulty sleeping that night.

[Evidence 4: Inability to Hit the Bush]

During SRQ timed exercise i was mustering all my might to be coherent. After 5 rounds on the track and totally disastrous soccer juggling assessment (after which i'm convinced soccer's just for watching not for playing), i thought with senses all perked up i would be able to identify the key issue and be clear of my stand. But no, retardedness kicks in again. I was beating around the bush for the whole length of CRAP, never exactly hitting it.

The worst is, the key sentence that would make my whole SRQ a success came to me 12 hours after the timed exercise, when i was lying on my bed ready to sleep.

.
.
.

More distressing and self-esteem shattering than anything. I know i know, but for some reason i seemed as if i don't know in my answer.

I wasn't careless, because careless is a lack of care, which is not the case. I was just downright blur/slow in reaction. In fact, i care and i am doing my best to prevent such things from happening, although (sadly) to no avail.

Is this then a valid excuse for underperformance? We talk about being forgiving to others and to ourselves, because being human afterall everyone has flaws. Why then do i have this particular flaw when other people don't? Part of it may be in the genes, but the more major factor may be the amount of self discipline i impose on myself. It's lacking...

[Conclusion]

Hypothesis confirmed.

gathering

2005-08-09T17:39:00.000+08:00

Boomo all the way from eleven. We're addicted, only resting for a movie (shown on channel 8), lunch, and ice cream beside the "drain".

It's long since we last had a gathering, probably 4 months or so, but every time we meet, it's as if we've never parted. That's the good thing about old friends - they're always there. =)

While planning where to go for holidays in the november-december holiday, digressing at every 10 seconds interval about how sucky the chinese tests are nowadays or how early we have to wake up everyday to go for school, we realised that we might not enjoy each other's company for long anymore. With two of us in j1, two in sec4, one in sec3 and one in sec2 currently, we're going to part no later than next year end, when the current J1s would have to advance to university and NS. After which, more and more of us will leave, and 4 years from now, we may be spread all over the world. So it's important we go somewhere together this year - it may be our last chance. And no adults allowed. =)

=====

movie on channel 8 [gen1 ni3 zai4 yi4 qi3] left me touched/inspired/motivated yet again after 3 times. The movie title seems to suggest that it's a sappy, love drooling snoggish soap, but it's actually about a father's selfless love towards his adopted son who he picked up from the train station together with a violin, nurturing him despite all odds into a great violinist using his meagre income.

Apart from being tear-inducing in its moving father-son love and sacrifices they made for each other, the movie explores also on the difference between the pursue of true Art and that of success. Art is in its purest form when it is not associated with fame, acclaim or money. It is a form of expression, and only when injected with feelings it can come alive. Play for the sake of playing, or play for the sake of showing will not produce music that's meaningful to anyone.

Like what the violin teacher said in the movie:
"Every note is correct, but there's no music."

Something that always happen during my dizi lessons. I bet many others who learn music, ones who are much better than me in terms of skills, are guilty of this too. So don't try your best to do well, but put your heart into it. Give the music a soul.

Live Strong And Well

2005-08-06T23:27:00.000+08:00

Let me quote something from Thomas' recent entry.

[Lance Armstrong - Live Strong]
[Thomas Law - Live Stong and Well]

Having read his entry on his X country i was rendered totally speechless with awe for his endurance and determination to get what he wants, despite having to face physical pain and other difficulties (such as starting late).

[Live Strong]

I've hardly pushed myself to do anything before. I've always been very lenient to myself, letting myself take the easier way out in things which may not be able to lead me to the best results that i could achieve and thus cause me to fall short of what i wished for, just because they're much easier than working real hard to get what i want. And for that, i've not been achieving anything really great.

There were times i did work hard for things, like PSLE, like getting into CO, like working hard for concerts, like sec2 end of year exams... but as i get older it seems like i'm increasingly lenient to myself. A sign of deterioriation or a sign of maturity?

[Live Well]

Having become more lenient to myself, am i living better or am i living worse? Yes better in the sense that my life easier coz of the many conveniences i've given myself, but worse off coz i haven't been achieving as much and i'm not at peace with it.

But then again, it's not humanly possible to achieve everything.

Way to live well - be at peace with yourself.

BADDDDD day

2005-08-05T17:42:00.000+08:00

I've just had an impossible day - Chinese compo competition, Bio test, and CRAP timed exercise, on right after the other. Thank Mrs Seah for mercifully sparing us of the writing of the CRAP, for she sort of guessed that if she insisted on us writing, it would be as good as suicide bombing - all of us would be killed in class, after which she would be killed at home marking all that literal crap we've written.

I seriously suspected myself of being a case of "Quadrisomy 21" after my bio test, in which i missed what one question wanted me to write as an answer and gave another answer instead. While i wrote about Down's Syndrome "Trisomy 21" as part of the answer to that question, i was wondering why did the mechanism of Down's Syndrome appear twice in this paper and why on earth i had to repeat what i've written in the previous question down again in that particular one. While i sank into a state of stupor when i realised that i've misinterpreted the question, my condition was further aggravated by the stupid FISH question that's totally photocopied onto the test paper from the O levels bio TYS. Yes it appeared in TYS and i've done that question before, but the problem was i still didn't know how to do it after having done it in the TYS, because the TYS answer key's totally unsubstantiated.

Arrgh. Not to mention the drawing of 5 full gene diagrams in one single test. How i wish i could perform the "Ctrl C" and "Ctrl V" on the test papers.

Goodness... to think i've slaved for 4 days for this test i feel extremely stupid for flunking it.

I was incoherent during CRAP discussion. Chinese wasn't good too.

Why am i not particularly good in anything? It seems that i cannot promise to give good results consistently in any subject.

i sounded so angsty. It's a bad day... i need my confidence back!!!!!!!

talk

2005-07-31T20:40:00.000+08:00

just some weeks ago i was spending lots of time on msn talking to people - my juniors, my seniors, my classmates, my co friends... now i am spenidng close to zero hours a week on msn because i'm tied down with tests and projects to finish.

just some weeks ago i admire the people who can resist the temptations to go online to "talk rot" and focus themselves on studies or things that can upgrade themselves. now i read my primary school classmate's blog which said that he chatted until 2am with another primary school classmate and felt that i'm not enjoying an adequate amount of conversation.

i've been studying at home for two days, and my handphone never rang except for the once yin lao shi called me to cancel my lessons. it feels a bit weird after the chaotic time i had just some weeks ago, receiving about 30 smses and 5 phone calls each day. suddenly, i feel that i've got loads of time to myself for studying, something that i've craved for, but somehow i find myself not able to fully utilize the time - because now i crave for something else.

how weird.

recent

2005-07-30T10:30:00.000+08:00

I've just decided to stop updating my diary-x blog, since the template's not working. I think enoch's taken down that picture from the net. I've always loved the pictures enoch sent me! They are always so professional looking and aesthetically pleasing, not to mention they almost always have deeper meanings. So before i get enoch to upload that picture again that blog will be closed... i don't feel like putting anything up there without that picture.

I'm listening to HCJC's meng die now, the showcase recording. I've just realised that my J2 seniors are taking their A levels this year after which they're going to advance to university. My gosh. Time sure flies! They were sec3 when i first knew them, and now most of them are already legal at 18. I've just realised too that enoch will not be around to send me pictures anymore next year.

=====

Recently i've been seeing a lot of my primary school schoolmates, and having found thomas' blog made me feel even more connected to my primary 6 classmates once again after 4 years. I've always been guilty for not keeping in touch with them and not being present for almost all gatherings because of my other commitments, and because of that i've drifted away from them, even those whom i was close to in primary school days and even those who's in my present school. I agree with thomas that it's extremely sad to see our 6A classmates on the road at times but no one takes the slightest effort to acknowledge each other's presence. However, sometimes it's the fear that the person i see on the road has merely a resemblance to the my ex-classmate, not my ex-classmate herself/himself. Or, it's the fear that i will be forgotten or "dao-ed" by my ex-classmate who no longer recognise me or no longer wish to be connected to me in any way.

Seriously if i see some of my ex-classmates on the road, let's say my 6A table partner Ching Hsien, i wouldn't be brave enough to say hi, for i fear my gesture of acknowledgement would be ignored and unreturned.

It's very elating to know, even though we've been apart for so long and we've not been in contact, that my 6A classmates are all doing rather well in their respective schools and CCAs. Hearing about the many high achievers from 6A'01, it seemed like my p6 class contained a potential myriad of talents, and i'm really proud of us. Mrs Raja would be so proud of us. =)

=====

Meng tian and i have reached consensus that the top PSLE scorer in our year is totally bonkers. His transferring from RI to NJC IP and now to HCI has earned him much reputation, but that can be easily overrode by his perfect scores in almost every single subject at current sec4 level, something deemed impossible by most sec4 students who get hardly an A1 after slaving to their graves. While commoners like us are striving hard to obtain 75% in all subjects so that our MSGs will look pretty at 1.0, he's aiming for perfect scores so that his report card will not be flawed by any minusing of marks.

While i swelled with jealousy of his achievement i wonder how he could have done it (and is still continuing to do it). Possible reasons:
1. He is extremely smart.
2. He is extremely hardworking
3. He is extremely efficient (which goes back to the point that he is smart)
4. He can maintain focus and thus is productive all the time.
5. A combination of some or all of the above.

I am suffering tumults of guilt because i'm neither hardworking nor efficient and i can't maintain focus all the time. I spend a fair percentage of each day idling about not doing anything productive too. Whether i am productive or not largely depends on my mood of the day, which is highly unpredictable, unstable and unreliable.

I just wish when it's nearer to end of years i can experience some adrenaline rush and my senses will be sort of perked up and be ready for action. Right now i'm feeling lethargic all over.

=====

Today's Mega concert 2004 1 year anniversary. Remember the walking around the indoor stadium in rounds, competiting with Greg and Christopher who's faster? Remember the sight reading (blowing rubbish) for all the songs? Remember the lack of nervousness and seriousness which caused adenosine actions at random places during the actual concert? Remember talking rot the hour before the actual concert? Remember Huang He? =)

sabbaticals

2005-07-25T15:57:00.000+08:00

i'm like. totally outraged by what's shown during sabbaticals today. the movie. not that it's not a good movie. it's the contents. and the smug look on some characters' faces that i felt they deserve a round of good kicks.

not that i've not known this until today, i've known it long long ago. but then knowing it is one thing seeing it being played in front of me is another. when i saw it i felt my blood starting to boil and i had the urge to give those shameless faces of totally unreasoning, uncivilised barbarians a series of tight slaps, followed by bellowing into their ears so that some sense would be knocked into them.

feel that i'm being too harsh on these poor people who forgivably doesn't understand a thing about both morals and logic because they've not evolved properly yet having left their caves for too short a time to discard their savage habits? nah... they were the ones who deemed themselves as superior, the more civilised and more developed. they were the ones who thought they were so right in doing what they're doing when it could not be clearer that what they were doing was outright robbery and murder. they were the ones who stupidly announced to their victims what they would want to do, making it so obvious that they were totally irrational. if i were them i would perform such undecent, base acts of burning properties of others just because they didn't consent me to rob them (i'm amazed at how the reasoning of these people worked) as quietly as i could so that i won't end up embarrassing myself in front of every one of my victims, NOT making it as loud as possible so as to increase the number of people who's going to laugh at me for being so brainless and despicable.

realise i'm not yet picking on their being more vile than beasts sticking their ugly bayonets into people as and when they feel like it, causing corpses to pile on the streets, nor their not feeling sinned or guilty for taking so many lives and causing so much bloodshed, nor their calling the defenders murderers just because they've killed a couple of their own men when they were killing millions of innocent people out of no apparent reason. not YET of course. these barbarians are hateful to the core for the unforgivable things they did.

i'm here picking on only their sheer stupidness. be vile all you like, there's plenty of villians around in history and if you wanted to be in league with them and have your names engraved in the world's hall of shame then so be it. BUT I COULDN'T STAND YOU BEING VILE AND TOTALLY, EXTREMELY STUPID AT THE SAME TIME!

if you don't have a proper, acceptable reason for things and being unreasonable is the way you function, you don't go around telling other people your unreasonable reasons because it just proves what an utter idiot you are! or if you a little smarter, reason before you act and if you find that you're lacking in morals in something that you want to do, DROP that damned thing completely. you don't termintate as many lives, ur worthless name will not be despised.

i watched "huo3 shao1 yuan2 ming2 yuan2" today.

angsts

2005-07-13T18:07:00.000+08:00

all along i've been this really stuck up idiot who thinks that she's pro in chinese. yeah right! i've been snapped back to reality today, realising painfully that the reason why i'm not scoring well for chinese is not the fact that my teacher's so extremely good that she didn't teach a thing, nor is it she's being totally reasonable when marking my scripts. the true reason is i have all along been too complacent of my chinese standard and haven't been paying attention to it like i should.

*takes the wall and bangs it against my airhead*

thinking of what i posted in the earlier entry, i truly do not deserve what i did not work for. while i was cursing my 70 plus results for chinese and blaming it all on the perfectly logical marking scheme, i forgot i haven't been reading/writing chinese for as long as i could remember. i was expecting to score well in something that i haven't been working for? what an obese hope i've had there.

and i wanted to stand tall in my class with the little efforts i put in my chinese? another hope that has to go for some serious liposuction. no use getting red eyed at the heavenly marks on other people's papers because for god's sake they won't ever become mine if i don't get myself to work hard!

=====

bad day today. before i go on anymore, i shall observe a minute of silence for my late calculator. not that it died, but it sort of became partially paralysed. i accidentally dropped it when i walked out of bio lab after bio spa today, and i have no idea how its screen would crack when i had the cover on. anyhow, it cracked and i'm sad about it. very. for it has accompanied me for a year, helping me battle through terribly treacherous trigo and pain-causing powers... not to mention permutations and combinations which are unimaginable if i were to calculate them manually.

my calculator... how can you leave me like this. what am i going to do without you!!!

=====

last three days with nyco before i leave. after saturday, i would not be sectional principal of nyco guanyue anymore. i probably would not be sectional principal of anything ever again. looking at the new batch of comm, i feel extremely old.

when i'm so about to leave, i started to miss my seniors. i recalled the time they were about to leave, the times i had with them. or maybe i'm not just missing my seniors. i'm reliving my 4 years in nyco, how i enjoyed when i was a junior and what i've achieved with my batchmates and my juniors when i'm a senior.

co had meant so much to me all along. it's going to end soon... i forsee a big hole in my heart which for some time nothing can fill.

but i got to keep going right? life's no turning back.

it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved. what's more, i may not lose it.

NYCO syf showcase 2005

2005-07-09T21:49:00.000+08:00

NYCO's back again. =)

after syf 2005, Nanyang Chinese orchestra had been rather slack with its syf-performers too drained and submerged in joy to do any real time pia-ing for showcase. after all, they were just going to play the same old songs again - xing kong and feng nian ji. no big deal right? how many times had they practised those two songs before the syf? everyday for a month. surely they deserved some rest as rewards after clinching the ever so prestigious Gold With Honours and getting into the top three secondary school chinese orchestras of the year. the rest was just a deserved treat. =)

while the members adopted a take-it-easy attitude for co in the 2 months, putting their attention in mugging for tests, burying themselves in the piles of textbooks and tys-es, swimming in megabytes of SIA files, or just pure slacking away the afternoons which before syf were spent in m401 drilling xing kong and feng nian ji, getting totally pissed off and dropping into a no bottom pit of low self esteem because of the damned b flats G shars which are persistently plus minus 50 on the tuners.

one week before the showcase, the nyco-ers still did not feel the urgency of the matter, although they had not touched the song for two months. one wake up jerk came by at the cluster zone sharing rehearsal and concert. the nyco-ers, especially the dizi people still full of dizziness (pun intended) from all that slacking, were appalled at their extremely disgusting bu zhun-ness and swore they would slave hard just like 2 months ago to gain their perfect yin zhun back again. however, their attempts were not very successful. the cluster zone performance was passable, but there were no sparks. everyone treated it as an ordinary orchestra practice, and before the curtains were opened, some orchestra members (like myself) were still smsing away while sitting on the stage, wondering when they could go home to sleep/mug/slack around.

actually, a small voice in the most obscure corner of every member's heart was telling them they could not let this attitude continue if they wanted to present a GWH standard for the showcase, if they wanted to show everyone they were worth what they got. this slight tinge of guilt-and-uneasiness complex ballooned at the syf showcase rehearsal at SCH on tuesday, 5th July 2005, when the feng nian ji was faulted numerous times due to sudden unintended changes of tempo by innocent but guilty co members who couldn't understand why their fingers did not move as fast or as slow as they were supposed to. it dawned on them a split of a second afterwards - they did not practise enough.

that set NYCO off on another round of slaving and extremely focused and intensive pia-ing in the next two days before the actual showcase. sections started to meet up during recesses and lunch times, before assembly there would always be one dizi who would climb all the way up to fourth level for her two rounds (if not more) of chang yins, after school m401 (or the area outside) would be crowded with co members with their instruments. the dedicated co members jumped at every opportunity to practise, and some even forgo their lunches and ignored their growling stomachs while tuning their instruments.

on thursday, 7th July 2005, all the co members "chiong"-ed to M401 straight after their lessons ended for a final round of pray-hard-and-hope-it-will-work practice. mrs ee came wrote the things we got to take note of on the board, and we tried to recall the special feelings we had for xing kong and feng nian ji during the syf period. momentum, think line, breathe, one orchestra one voice...

practice started. we soon let go of our restricting self consciousness of our yin zhun and turned to enjoy the music. for the last time we ran the two songs through, the 76 people in the co plus mrs ee felt like one... it's a little morbid to imagine a 76-people siamese... hmm. wadever. the music just flowed and we'd gotten back almost all our feelings for xing kong and feng nian ji that we'd had before. and the yin zhun was definitely better than syf. jh and i flunged ourselves into each others' arms... we were so touched. nyco managed to do it... at the last minute... again.

the time on the bus to the concert hall was spent taking photos and singing xing kong and feng nian ji. we realised that there was a reason why we weren't in choir. we have more control over the intonation of our instruments than our voices.

i met sooklai, pinky and sylvia before they went on stage. we exchanged good luck wishes, and it was their turn. nyco was waiting for them to finish at the foyer, when we recognised one of the ushers to be our president last year. and when it was finally our turn and i turned into the concert hall, i was sure i heard someone (one of the ccab officials) told me "caina jiayou". i was so touched there and then.

i was shaky when feng nian ji started. when my first note came out as a fan4 yin1 my stomach sort of turned upside down inside me, although i did not allow myself to show it. i tried to remain calm and composed while continuing my feng nian ji, but i realised that i couldn't do the trills properly due to shaky fingers. i waited for the pause and quickly calmed myself and told myself to be confidence during the pause, and the things i played after that were much better than what i played before. today when mrs told the whole co that she felt all of us were very composed and calm and poised on stage, i was so relieved that my stomach-turning didn't show. and i was so proud of myself for being able to collect myself on stage, when there was a full house of audience staring at me.

xing kong was great! better than feng nian ji i would say. it was just simply great. no further elaborations needed.

NYCO did it again! i knew it. we could do it at syf, we did it again at showcase. we never fail to impress... and we were always impressed with our own passion and ability to pull through at the last moment... together. =)

thoughts

2005-07-03T20:34:00.000+08:00

i've been thinking quite a bit these days.

people angst because they want recognition and acknowledgement but don't get it. oh well, i just thought if you want something from the others you got to do the same for others as well. only when you are willing to give you will receive from others the thing you want to receive. ok i know this is not always the case. some people keep giving without any returns because some other people keep receiving and taking them for granted thinking that that's the way things should be. both kinds of people will, however, find out eventually what i stated above. that's what i believe.

it's almost like blowing dizi. only when you give out enough qi you get nice yin se. only when you practise hard enough you acquire the skills. and only when you get proactive and grab every chance you have to learn from others, to improve and to show what you can do to others that you get recognition. playing music is really about giving more than anything else. and people who really love music enjoy giving. when you've given enough, you will get your return in the form of beautiful music and recognition from others. when one exclaims that you are "pro" they probably don't know how much effort you've spent with your instrument and how many times you've felt like killing yourself because you just couldn't get it right.

effort comes before repay.

sometimes when people whine because they don't get recognition instead of reflect upon themselves, i get a little disturbed, although i don't usually show it. no one is obliged to give you recognition if you don't deserve it. if you want recognition, you show everyone what makes you deserve it, and you should give others the recognition that they should get too. seriously no one ever gave me recognition when i don't deserve it... like in my class no one ever gave me the recognition that i'm good in studies because i'm in no way outstanding. the world doesn't spin around you and you only and therefore if you are not that outstanding, you really can't blame people for not recognising you.

same for corporate relations. you either take initiative and be nice to people and get ur repay or you don't. if you are not willing to spend your time on others, it's unfair to even wish for others to spend their time on you.

we can't keep on hoping other people would think for us and stand in our shoes and be empathetic towards us and always give us what we want because firstly they have their own life to take care of and secondly they can't in any way understand exactly how you feel no matter how alike they are to you. sometimes i lament why haven't people thought enough for me, after which i realised that it's in no way their fault. and i realise i haven't been thinking for them. so there... it's a two way thing.

however, these are theoretical and how many human beings can actually practise this idealised vision? sadly, i don't think that is humanly possible. we humans are, sadly, flawed. actually when i hear about these things, i really appreciate my friends for sharing them with me.

about communications with people, i think two person communications is the best. because we have a firewall installed for each friend that we have. firewall as in not the one in the computer which blocks certain incoming documents, but our outgoing thoughts. for each friend that we have we have a different firewall, and when two person are together talking, each of the party involved has only 1 firewall for the other party, and their conversation runs within the common area enclosed by both firewalls. we have different firewalls for different people, so when one of the parties of the two person conversation changed to another person, the new area enclosed by the two firewalls change too. that's why conversations are unique.

however, when there's more people added to the conversation, it's not just two firewalls we are talking about. when it's a 3 person conversation we have 6 firewalls (each of the three parties have 2 firewalls for the two other parties involed), each filtering off out-going thoughts of the 3 person involed. and thus the common area enclosed gets smaller. and when it's a 4 person conversation it becomes 12.

the increase in number of firewalls is exponential. formula of number of firewalls at work: n(n-1) where n = number of person involved. the more the number of firewalls, the less you are going to spill out. it's just like finding common factors of numbers. the more numbers you have, the less common factors among all of them you can find.

sometimes when there's only 1 person involved, like when i'm alone,there's still a firewall, cos sometimes i don't even dare to be sincerely true to myself. it takes courage to shake off self denial, and so when it comes to telling others the truth (the true truth) it takes even more courage.

i appreciate having friends who share their thoughts with me... because it takes courage and a lot of trust. =)

post co camp 2005

2005-06-25T14:32:00.000+08:00

i guess i am taking a little too long to recover from the post camp syndrome. but whatever it is, school's gonna start soon. if anything, i should get rid of the overwhelming sentiments before monday arrives.

my mum's saying i am wasting way too much time on this.

term3's gonna be a hard term. within the short ten weeks we are supposed to hand in all SIAs, finish learning the whole syllabus (oh... i just realised. finishing the whole syllabus means finishing all the things i got to learn in nanyang.), and revise for EOYs. not to mention showcase in week 2, arts fest and youth day celebration in week 4, sabbaticals in week 5... wad else do we have? oh yes national day in week 7 i guess.

with this ahead of me i cannot afford to let myself be obsessed with the camp for too long (like what i'm doing now). just like i cannot afford to do a lot of other things.

co camp 2005

2005-06-24T11:44:00.000+08:00

i was just printing out all my homework that i have in my computer, my printer seemed unhappy about me printing everything in the "Fast Draft" mode that it refused to let ink out. ARGH. since when did my printer become rebellious.

oh no. i've just printed one set of things with "Normal" mode and guess what the printer coughed out random bits of ink and that's about all. i think i need to revive my printer a little by feeding it with a new catridge. >.<

uh nvm that's not what i wanna blog about.

OH NO MY PRINTER DIED!!!!!

T_T...

nvm. co camp.

the 4 days of camp passed quite quickly, much quicker than camp last year, or at least so it seems to me. i was just idling about without really lianing everything, sight reading on stage during orchestra pracs, hun4 my way through during sectionals and the only thing that i've seriously lianed is my dong hai yu ge solo, which i prac for a grand total of less than 10 times. talk about being SLACK.

oh yes for sai ma i hardly blew. phew... i didn't even know the notes. was sight reading on stage on the actual performance and luckily everything came out ok. haha...

what i liked about this year's camp is dizi group. much more bonded than last year i would say, for last year it's only the bang di people who talked to each other but this year it's everyone. this year it's different too coz the other two of the trio came as well, and the three of us together could be quite a havoc. not to mention shi da and his junior being so drama and laughter inducing, and wilson being suspected of being paedophilic of yih chyuan. patrick was the only sane one there, and the only guai1 one as well, being the only punctual dizi at the prize presentation while the rest of us were planning to slack in the board room. but of course dizi being the united group never left anyone to face anything by himself, so we went to the prize presentation together in the end.

actually, we did quite a lot of things together as a group. we waited for each other to go for sectionals and orchestra pracs, we waited for each other to go to concert hall for concert on the last day, we stuffed ourselves in VIP room 2 before the actual concert, we stayed together most of the time, we ate lunch together (yes yes i know i was the slowest)...

i really lamented not being able to be there for some of the sectionals and prchestra pracs due to unforseen circumstances. and on the third day night when a fever suddenly struck i was afraid that i won't be able to go the next day, and won't be able to see some of the people ever again.

actually during the camp there were times that i felt ostracized and extra, and there were times when i felt i would be better off staying at home, and there were times i felt i was with the wrong company, or doing the wrong thing. but after everything, and esp after dinner yesterday night with my fellow dizi people, i felt much better.

general feeling of camp this year's quite different from that of last year. i know it's not really right to compare like this but having been to two camps i can't stop myself from comparing. this year's camp has been more of playing and laughing, wrecking havoc and suaning people, whereas last year was more of talking and getting to know each other. this year's more fun in the sense, but last year's felt more... i don't know how to put it.

qing gong yan

2005-06-13T12:27:00.000+08:00

i'm slacking at home now... don't feel like doing anything constructive before going for qing gong yan. XD...

i was recalling the qing gong yan-s that i've attended since sec1. let's see...

sec1 - in school canteen. i remember we have this big cake and zihui was cutting it. jaime and i were sharing food... because jaime was on diet i guess. and guanyue took a group photo in which it captures zihui's batch, ger's batch, zhixuan's batch and my batch. i have two copies of that photo now, and it's quite unbelievable that when we took the photo we were only sec1, coz we were very close to our seniors already.

sec2 - at feathers and fins. amelia organised it i think... it was after syf 2003 and it was farewell for our sec4 seniors. actually what i remembered most about qing gong yan that year was not itself, but the preparation for qing gong yan. all the afternooons spent in zhixuan's class writing and drawing in the scrapbooks that we bought for our seniors (plus boon pin consistently going "it looked better off before you drew it"). sometimes it was quite ego shattering but it's damn fun. and boon pin always inflate my ego to its orginal size again by using this virtual pump. hehe... sang songs and took pictures on the actual day, and i think we sabo-ed ger. i forgot how we did it but i remember it's quite fun... (oh come on... sabo ger of course fun...)

sec3 - at east coast. daphne sweetheart organised it. highlights is not the actual qing gong yan again, but the HUANG HE outing before that! we went to k box and had fun listening to other people sing (namely liang cheng who knows all the songs. o.O) and eating brownies baked by jaime, jh and i. at east coast we had this quite vigorous guanyue vs xian yue captain's ball game. guanyue rocks~

sec4 - today at sentosa. the nicest qing gong yan i've ever went to actually... must say a big thank you to sharon and her organising team. although the scavenger hunt was a bit lame and my group actually got away with the under-developed coconut... and i had to drink hot drink in the hot sun. =X... i got to thank my juniors for awarding me the "miss pro de" title. i was flattered... haha... fooled around, took pictures, got talked into riding bike with my juniors when i actually didn't know how to, eloped with junhua to the small island connected to sentosa by this dangling bridge thingy that i was once so scared of, and came back of course. went back to our gathering place and helped clear up, saw daphne and shawn playing with ms chek's son nicholas (so cute!!!) and went home with juniors, the ones who will be the future pillars of nyco...

continuation from the last entry

2005-06-11T15:56:00.000+08:00

hm.

actually they are not all that bad. at least in the end they saw what i mean and i found that they are reasoning people. i saw that they have valid points to make as well. esp some of them who's being elegant all the while talking absolute sense... which i practised selective reading at the start and missed.

ok maybe i got a little carried away last night.

i typed too many words in Caps last night. oopz. that's actually because i dunno how to use html and type in italics instead. pardon me if i sounded very aggitated.

bui bing ji yi-ness strikes again

2005-06-10T22:42:00.000+08:00

phew.

never ask me to write that kind of stuff again. or rather, i should stop myself from writing that kind of stuff that i'm not good in altogether. i almost lost my skin when i read the comments and thank goodness i stayed calm and analysed it and wrote another reply. politely of course.

but my goodness. i know i am not good at this kind of things. i know you guys THINK you are damn pro at this kind of things. i know i shouldn't be writing comments on that bloody entry because i'm just gonna confirm that i'm a politics-idiot, but i couldn't stop myself coz i didn't like the way that entry's written. i'm sure it's uninformed, but at the same time i am just as uninformed, or even more uninformed that when i say the entry's uninformed people are just going to tell me that i'm the one who's uninformed.

i'm not good at these politics stuff, although i tried to get better by reading up more. but sometimes in the course of reading instead of getting highly interested and excited i get sleepy. i can't sustain interest. what does it tell about me? I HATE THESE POLITICS STUFF! but when there's people blabbering out there being totally (ok not exactly totally) uninformed and biased about my country, i DON'T LIKE IT and I AM GOING TO SAY IT OUT.

i know i can't shut those people up. but it's highly irritating when a bunch of self-proclaimed PROs are spouting off unpro, connotated stuff based on their coloured viewpoints.

it's like the unpro knows that the self-proclaimed pros are talking cock and being totally unpro but because the unpro is less pro than the pros she can't say anything, because the pros are just going to say that she's unpro and she's just being EXTRA in messing with themselves, the self-proclaimed pros, about the supposedly pro but totally unpro stuff.

phew. enough tongue twisters.

i don't like these people. and i don't like the things they are doing. and i especially don't like the way they think they are pro when actually they are not as well informed as they think they are. i don't like the sense of self-importance that they took upon themselves that made them feel that they have the qualification to talk about these, being uninformed.

but before i get myself pro, i can't do anything. i'm just gonna be perceived as a total UNPRO.

China Forum + DSA

2005-06-03T15:40:00.000+08:00

Attended half of today's china forum and i almost turned to hibernating when i was listening to the numerous speakers (not so much the nanyang people, but the old men who came to talk... i don't remember who they are), partly due to the coldness in the audi and the LT, partly because the talks are simply sleep inducing and one just can resist the temptations to fall into slumber in that kind of situation. well, esp when i haven't slept well last night.

what happened last night was i got onto my bed at 1 (oopz that makes it this morning but nvm) and i was stonning in the dark for about half an hour before i realised that i should be closing my eyes and sleeping. so having realised that i tried sleeping, only to find that the scenes in the san guo yan yi vcd that i'm watching kept replaying themselves in my head. after much effort to block the images out, the lines that the characters spoke still persisted and refused to be shut down. this is like exactly the same situation as last last december when i read hong lou meng in china, where the lines from the book just couldn't stop appearing in my mind when i sleep.

seriously i don't mind my brain replaying things, but please don't do it when i am trying to sleep?!

yawn.

anyway, China forum. yes the forum's like totally crapppppp?! there's this dunno what minister who came and told us what to look out for in china. firstly, china is diversed within itself, having 56 races (i'm glad he brought it up... although he didn't mention the part about having 56 races.). secondly, china's not a place of confucianism but that of sun zi bing fa, romance of the three cities and shu hu zhuan. third point was what he'd forgotten and i'd forgotten as well even after he finally remembered and told us about it.

somehow i get the feeling that he's over-simplifying things, perhaps because he thought he's addressing merely a bunch of school kids who probably don't know better to question his generalisations? he made it sound so simple commercing in china, coz according to him, all you got to do is read the above three mentioned books and there you are, holding onto the golden key, gauranteed an entry into the door of success. YEAH RIGHT.

i understand that with the time constraint one can't possibly explain everything, but at least tell the audience that you are not able to present the whole picture? right now what most of the speakers are doing (including and ESP the nanyang speakers) did were presenting highly subjective and uninformed, oversimplified statements about china. can we check our facts before presenting? can we be more responsible to what we say? realise that what we say may cause a complete misunderstanding of the places we are talking about in our schoolmates and friends from other schools who took the time to come over to our school to hear our hopefully informed insights. in that sense, it's as good as framing! can't we be slightly more dignified and professional in doing things?

anyway i don't understand how does a 2 week emmersion in china gain us enough insights to be able to COMMENT on it. we can't possibly see enough to even form a holistic picture of things in our own minds, let alone telling others.

when a presenter was talking about the housing conditions in china, she mentioned that beijing people live in hu tong. yeah that's true like hundred years ago and that's still true for minority in beijing. BUT HEY in this forum when you are introducing about the housings in beijing shouldn't you go for the majority?! it gives the audience a faulted picture of beijing people still huddling around grey brick built houses, esp when she went on right away after that to talk about shanghainese all live in high rise buildings. ERps.

i am listening to zhe gu fei again. it's still my favourite song. :)... oh man so nice...

so many people around me applying for dsa and i have been listening to them talk about their portfolios and stuff. brings me to think should i need to apply for dsa what have i to show the JCs that i am worthy of their places?

let's see... if i apply for dsa i would have these things:

1. copies of report book?
2. my maths/science/english international competition certs + australian chem quiz certs
3. certs for school based academic achievements
4. erm... some scholarship i got last year... which i cannot remember what
5. SYF 2003 and SYF 2005 records
6. concert 2004 concert booklet
7. mega concert cert
8. co camp 2004 cert plus concert booklet
9. gu zheng concert concert booklet
10. dizi exam cert
11. HSK grade 8 cert
12. NYAA Bronze cert (which i havent gotten. ermmm...)
13. China forum paper? er...
13. teacher's recommendation letters (yin lao shi, ms chek, guo lao, wonder if i should get lin lao... mrs ho, mrs seah... aiyah whoever i can get basically)
14. personal statement? (i wonder how to write)

decided to leave smo out coz that's so diu lian. i think i managed to get a silver or something in one of the years i took part. but other than that, nevermind...

i gave up running for council two years ago, i hold no leadership positions, i have no cips, i'm no good at art so i dropped it, i have no prestigious things like UN model conference or national awards... hmm...

enoch said there's this cip in which you go to sec schools and teach the N level students tuition. i think that's something really nice... feel like signing up for it...

Conversations

2005-05-30T14:25:00.000+08:00

had a heated conversation with chen yesterday. at least i was pretty heated. but i got to acknowledge that some of the things that he said were right. conversations are unqiue to the parties involved, meaning when i only speak to certain people about certain things and others not. it's not a matter of whether i'm intimate with that person or not, but the matter of what kind of topics would be engaging for both parties.

for example, if i talk to yangle about co she'll probably roll her eyes.

and for example, if i talk to some co people about how i did badly for a test (when it's still an A1 albeit a very low one) they'll tell me to shut up and slam their results in my face and tell me i'm much better off ready so i've no rights to complain.

does that mean i'm not close with these people? no. i just don't talk to them about such topics because it doesn't make me feel any better after talking. i talk to them about other things despite that and we're still close.

chen's right. all conversations have purpose(ok let's not consider the "hmm nice weather today" kind of catch lines), and the more purposeful the conversations are the more likely they will fail, especially when this purpose is single-sided. actually i was very uncomfortable when he used the words "failed" and "successful" to describe conversations. i never thought conversations should be deliberate, esp conversations amond friends, which are more for knowing each other and relieving personal load and stress than to achieve any other purpose. then i realised that getting to know each other, strengthening friendship, relieving personal load and helping others to relieve their load are purposes as well, and conversations gone seriously wrong can completely fail these purposes.

that doesn't mean we should deliberately strategize conversations to make them work. it's too shrewd... and it sounds scary too. when i talk to people i wish that they would be sincere and true to me, rather than scheming and purposeful.

chen always gets me to think. and he says i am unthinking. sometimes i feel murderous towards him. he makes me feel damn inferior and ignorant. he's always telling me about this thing and that thing and when i don't know about them he'll go "omg!" then "nvm nvm". and he criticizes. and he has this weird world view that i don't agree with but don't know how to argue about. the worst thing is he always manages to convince me in the end.

chen: so is that good or bad?

and chen said i blog to seek attention from people.

why's he always so sharp about everything? it's even more so when he touches on the truth but over-simplifies it. i can't say he's wrong, but he's not right either. so i end up gagged and gekked.

i am not bad mouthing him here. i am just feeling damn useless why i can't express myself better.

Reflections

2005-05-28T10:41:00.000+08:00

i just read junhua's blog and i think i have some serious reflections to do and this is not the kind of reflections i write for english portfolio.

i've been rushing schoolwork since syf ended... and it seemed like i rushed into rushing too quickly. two days after syf i was going "i wanna go bia my chem" and junhua and jaime were giving the kind of look and telling me "caina we don't know how you managed to switch so fast". at that point in time i saw this as a compliment, because tests were coming and i desperately needed to do well. i told myself i couldn't let syf affect my studies, i mustn't dwell in the mood of syf and slacken myself in studies. i knew i had to balanace both in order to satisfy myself... the big ego that needs to be inflated or else i would go into depression... or regret that i'd spent so much time in co that i neglected my studies.

so everything turned out well. i enjoyed my best test grades in my three and a half years in nanyang this term... the term i worked hard and got Gold With Honours for SYF. i was proud of myself actually...

but why did i angst when i saw the class marksheet? ok fine i wasn't the top few in class but that shouldn't have decsended me from cloud nine to miles underground. why wasn't i satisfied with myself for once? coz i told myself i could always do better. and it was extremely insensitive of me to go about angsting in front of people who were more packed than me.

i'm sorry. i didn't mean to do that. i was just so self absorbed at that time that, wallowing deeply in self pity that i didn't consider other people's feelings that much.

i should think more for other people... actually all along i thought i did, but recently i realised that most of the things i did were for only my benefits. nothing's seriously wrong with that of course, as my mother always told me i got to refine myself and make myself excellent in everything before thinking about helping anyone else... i did that and i benefited.. but that just felt so selfish... i should give up a little of my time for others... to make them feel better too.

laugh at me for being silly.

recently i seemed to have totally lost touch with orc. yangle's back in beijing so there's nothing i can say about her. i want to maintain good relationships... but sometimes i just don't have the time to give to everyone around me. so orc and i were like drifting further and further apart... and now we don't even talk to each other in class.

what happened? i neglected her too much?

i don't want to be so conscious, so deliberate in everything.

CA results and CCA crisis

2005-05-19T23:16:00.000+08:00

CA results are out today and i was totally baffled by how the people from my class are scoring.

highest in class for overall average: 84.sth

that's like 1 mark to what my mother expected me to get in order to get into CO in JC, something that i have always thought as totally impossible. as i stared miserably at my 80.27, which given to me a year ago i would be up probably be on cloud nine hundred, realising that even which such results i was only able to clinch 13th position in the class, i saw a hope in me getting that 85 at the end of the year. at least the class CA marks showed that it is within human abilities.

my CA results are as follows (in order of merit):

Maths - 90 - A1
Chem - 84 - A1
Bio - 84 - A1
Physics - 81 - A1
Chinese - 79 - A1 *
Language Arts - 67 - B3
Overall - 80.27
LIR5 - 8

i am particularly pissed off my both my languages. from the results it really seems like i am a language pathetic. it's understandable that i got a B3 for LA, as i know i have been flunking quite a number of my lit unseen tests, but chinese?

what am i supposed to tell my mother now... my lowest subject is enlish with a B3 and my second lowest is chinese with an extraordinarily low A1? and a L1R5 of 8?

i went to orchestra prac today and guess what i saw? politics, politics and more politics. to chen out there who thinks that my brain probably slacks through my life not doing any thinking and is probably getting fat due to the lack of exercising at the moment, i would like to say i do think. and as he thinks that co is just about playing the same thing over and over again which is something exceptionally mundane and unintellectual, i say that it is not.

in co you learn to deal with people and situations. you experience crisis of relationships with people which can be only solved with IQ and EQ combined, and which requires lots of thinking and rationalising. i would give co credits of shaping me into who i am now, being one who can handle such politics by solving the problem diplomatically, or just ignoring it so that it does not affect me. so there chen, i do think about politics, only not in terms of worldly issues about the flaws of x government on y country which caused the suffering of z people, but things closer to our lives - the relationship we share with people.

and i do not think about them deliberately. i only do so when it is necessary, because i never wanted to use and political strategies on people to gain personal advantages.

back to co. co being a musical group should actually work on the basis of meritocracy, in which the best gets the best and the not so good ones would just have to work their way to the best if they want the best as well. but in reality, that's not the case as compassion always kicks in, casting light on the supposed "fairness" of it all by urging people to give chances to the not so good ones in hope that under responsibilities, they would blossom into more radiance than they are currently. it is an undoubtfully flawed argument, as it is not fair at all giving it to the worse off people hoping that they would become good when there are better people around awaiting the same chances to bestow upon them.

my stand is clear: you want to solo or hold important positions, you jolly well practise and be good enough for it.

and there's seriously no point whining or getting sore about people not giving you chances feeling mounts of injustice in people's disability to recognise your talents or skills. come on. people have ears. they can listen and they have the ability to pick out the better ones from the crowd. you say you are good, prove it. i would be glad to admit i was once wrong in not recognising the genius in you, and would step down as SP or give you any of my solos if you are better than me.

i want the music to sound nice. it doesn't matter who plays it. as long as it sounds nice i am fine with it. i feel reluctant to hand people solo parts because i don't trust them to do it well enough. if they can prove to be good, by all means, i would give away all my solos to them.

just prove to me that you can do it. but before you achieve that, stop whining.

NYCO syf 2005

2005-05-17T20:55:00.000+08:00

Check It Out!

17/05/05

2005-05-17T18:38:00.000+08:00

i wonder why i set up this new blog. maybe i just got sick of diary-x.

sabbaticals today was such an effective dose of sleeping potion that cured my insomnia that has been going on for days. i felt my eyelids closing as the instructure for film studies mumbled his way through the words on his powerpoint slides... this is the first time that i felt totally overwhelmed with sleepyness ever since the physics practical which i slept through last year during lesson. wadeva. i thought keeping us inside the comp lab for one whole day's enough to get us yawning non-stop due to the lack of oxygen.. that's what i did.

and guess what? i sort of like flunked my NE quiz (which i didn't even know would take place today) because i did not manage to figure out how to play that damned computer game until it ended. even when i answered almost everything correctly, i still did badly coz i was such a comp game incompetent. whatever man. i never thought playing computer games would do me any good... guess i'm not entirely right in this then.

and since we were stuck in the comp lab for the whole day mengy and i spent time looking at some people's blogs... and the comments. i really admire the people who have the self discipline to write proper essays on their own about what they feel for (like commenting on the current affairs etc), have the courage to post them on their blogs, and being open to criticism. i also admire the people who take the trouble to read up in order to give proper, substantiated comments on the blog entries of others. if only i could be that open to criticism... or be as serious in writing anything, even a comment on the blog entries of other, my english wouldn't be as bad as it is now. i would probably be more knowledgeable if i take the time and effort to read up more and practise writing more too.

Times magazine's finally delivered. it seems like they finally dug out our order forms from their trash can/pile of old magazines/below stacks of rough paper and rejected drafts of journals/whatever and processed it. it's time for Times... i really need to catch up on current world affairs.

meanwhile, i shall attempt to change my "hui bing ji yi"ness.